Being Perfectly Imperfect: Self-Acceptance to Become a More Compassionate Leader
Photo by @izzyfisch_ on Unsplash
If we wrote down on paper what we say to ourselves in our own heads, we'd be shocked at how nasty we can be with ourselves.
I know I was.
When I finally started paying attention to my internal dialogue, I realised I was speaking to myself in ways I would never speak to another human being. The criticism was relentless. The judgment was brutal. The standards were impossibly high.
And here's the irony: I thought this harsh internal voice was what drove my success. I thought being hard on myself made me better.
It didn't. It made me worse, at leading, at connecting, and at being human.
Why this matters now
Last month I wrote about how our true power lies in our vulnerability. I'm continuing this theme because it's often part of the journey for the leaders I coach.
At a time where our patience is being tested, uncertainty has become normal, and stress levels are increasing, developing self-awareness around our weaknesses and stress responses is key to finding compassion for ourselves.
And here's the truth: it's only when we can be kind to ourselves that we can create the space to be genuinely compassionate to others.
The Self-Judgment Trap
When we fail to meet a target or goal, we either get defensive and blame others, or we turn inward and blame ourselves.
According to Shepard (1979), "self-acceptance is an individual's satisfaction or happiness with oneself and is thought to be necessary for good mental health. Self-acceptance involves self-understanding, a realistic, albeit subjective, awareness of one's strengths and weaknesses."
As human beings, we're hardwired from an early age to focus on negatives and faults more than positives. Parents reading their children's school reports will notice far more comments about what to improve rather than what was done well.
Our internal critic is largely influenced by the society we live in. Self-judgment will be more or less pronounced based on our upbringing and our limiting beliefs.
The Biology of Negativity
Our biology doesn't help either. Our reptilian brain needs 8 positive points to accept one negative without feeling threatened and getting defensive.
Think about that for a moment. Eight to one.
No wonder we struggle with criticism. No wonder our default is to be harsh with ourselves.
While this isn't our fault, we have the power—and the responsibility—to change our internal negative dialogue if it doesn't serve us or impacts others.
Often, when we criticize ourselves heavily, it translates into criticizing others in the same way. This gets in the way of finding compassion for others when leading through difficult times.
Self-Acceptance Is Compassionate Leadership
Self-acceptance is different from self-esteem, which involves comparing ourselves to others. Self-acceptance really refers to accepting ourselves as we are. It's a core building block of self-compassion.
When I worked at LinkedIn, I experienced and witnessed compassionate leadership firsthand from multiple leaders. One example stands out: how leaders dealt with conflict.
Instead of looking for someone to blame, leaders would ask questions—a bit like a detective—to understand the facts first and one's point of view in a non-threatening way while holding back judgment. They focused on seeking the intention behind the actions taken.
By putting ourselves in others' shoes, it's easier to understand why people do what they do and deflate any drama that arises. Often conflict stems simply from misinterpreting intentions.
This requires curiosity and compassion in seeking to understand before judging.
Why This Is So Hard
Holding back our own biased interpretation of a situation is really hard because our reptilian brain reacts quickly and self-constructs missing pieces of a story to suit its own beliefs.
Our capacity to find compassion and neutralize our own initial biased reaction is influenced by how accepting we can be of the fact that we don't have all the answers and that we're far from perfect ourselves.
When you can genuinely accept your own imperfections, you stop expecting perfection from others.
Understanding your stress responses
Across my sales career, I did most of the well-known professional psychometric tests. Gallup StrengthsFinder, DISC, Insights Discovery. They all pointed to similar strengths and highlighted various weaknesses.
Investing in understanding our strengths and weaknesses is important to identify how our biased interpretations can be unhelpful in managing difficult situations. Understanding how we respond to stress is also key to managing ourselves so we can show up in a more supportive way for others.
I work with The Process Communication Model®, the only personality inventory that can predict human behaviour under stress. I use it to help clients better understand themselves so they can better understand others.
It's this depth of self-understanding that creates space for compassion for ourselves and then gives us more understanding for others.
The Research on Self-Compassion
A study carried out by the Harvard Business Review in 2018 showed that people with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate three key behaviors:
They're kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes
They recognize that failures are a shared human experience (everyone messes up, not just them)
They take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble—they allow themselves to feel bad, but don't let negative emotions take over
By bringing a more human approach to our leadership style, we become more authentic and forge deeper connections with others.
In this remote working environment, this is more important than ever to motivate teams to perform while creating a safe space for them to feel supported.
Be okay being perfectly imperfect
Your Self-Reflection
Self-reflection is a powerful way to increase self-awareness. At a time when we're spending less time with others socializing, it's a good opportunity to invest in self-reflection to develop personally and professionally.
• What are your strengths of character? What would the people close to you say they are?
• What are your weaknesses? What would those same people identify?
• When you're stressed, how do you tend to respond? What's the impact on you and others?
• What's serving you? In what situations?
• What isn't so useful? In what situations?
The invitation
By sharing with others, we can find peace and relief in not being alone as we step out of our comfort zones to manage our own internal critic and self-judgment tendencies.
The journey to self-acceptance isn't linear. Some days you'll be kind to yourself. Other days the harsh internal voice will return. Both are okay.
What matters is developing the awareness to notice when you're being your own worst critic, and choosing, in that moment, to speak to yourself the way you'd speak to someone you love.
That's not weakness. That's wisdom.
And it's the foundation of truly compassionate leadership.
If you're ready to start your journey towards self-acceptance: Follow me on LinkedIn, and visit The Self-Science Lab for more info.
Written by: Lauren Cartigny, Leadership Trainer, Executive Coach and Mindfulness Practitioner
Following a successful international corporate career in Sales for leading Tech firms, Lauren faced an unexpected burnout, life and health crisis. After re-building her life, transforming her career, and healing her body, heart and mind, Lauren has created transformative coaching and training programs to teach High-Performance from a place of Well-Being to prevent burnout, and employee churn in organisations.